Face Off

If I had to name this chapter of my life, I would call it Face Off. I sit across from the lady virtually each week and in our most recent session she told me as tears streamed down my face, ~”that your life has always been this much of a mess, but now you’re finally looking at it”. While hard to hear, it was and is the truth. I have spent so much of my life finding external people and projects to work on instead of facing me and my stuff. Now I’m sitting with my bare self and the stark realities of my life and figuring out what I want to do. As it turns out, I’m the only person other than Christ (who already did His part) who’s going to come save me. 

I’ve been so scared to blog, again. I’ve been scared to say the things I’m really thinking and feeling for a few different reasons – some more logical than others. I don’t want to hurt the people that I love and who I know love me. I also don’t want to ruin my chances at my non-existent political or corporate careers. Mostly though, I’m afraid that deep deep down something about the ways I think and feel and am are wrong and unacceptable. Eeek. So instead of continuing to feel that way, I’m dragging that lie into the light. I wish I could drag it into a less vulnerable feeling light, but this is what God told me to do – maybe even made me to do – so here we are. 

I mentioned that I lived my life focused on other people and situations and now I’m trying to live it focused on God and me. I don’t say that to give the impression that I’ve been this selfless, thoughtful do-gooder. Sometimes I have, but I’ve also been manipulative; unable to see my motivations, emotions, and actions clearly; and a downright busy body. And that’s life. Or at least it’s mine. If you’re looking for a perfect blog written by a perfect person who will sell you perfect products, this ain’t the one for you. I can’t promise that every post will have a well packaged moral lesson. I can’t even guarantee that the plot will be linear because self-diagnosed ADHD is real. What I can say is that I’m going to allow the process to continue processing me and I aim to say something about it here. That’s it, that’s all.

With Flailing and Flourish, 

Kimani Sioux